Burnout: My Story
As this is my first post, I’m going to focus on introducing myself, so you know who you are reading.
A little bit about my life and background… I spent a long time out of the country and often moved schools, so I’m extremely independent, resilient, and adaptable to just about any situation. After sixth form, I headed off to university to qualify as a physiotherapist, which I practiced in the NHS for five years before moving into leadership.
I stayed with my last organisation for over 13 years and found my true calling working in a range of roles in governance, until I successfully landed an NHS Executive Director role.
Over those 13 years, there was a lot of change, both personally and professionally. I separated from my daughter’s father, and I was lucky enough to meet my now husband with his beautiful daughter, and the four of us have crafted a happy family unit together.
Professionally, the organisation I worked for has seen lots of ups and downs, with the covid-19 pandemic playing a not-so-small part – it brought about a whole new meaning to the word ‘busy’. We also moved into special measures, with the involvement of three regulators. I was in the thick of it when the regulators came in, working frantically to support the inspection process.
At the mid-point of the transformation period, I was honored to become one of the directors. I had earned it for sure, and although we still had a long way to go to achieve what we needed to achieve, I was truly confident we would get there.
So, I just kept going... and going. I have never worked and led in a tougher or more challenging environment, and it took every ounce of willpower and resilience I had to keep going for so long.
It’s hard to step up to a director role in an organisation you have grown through the ranks of. Shedding the skin of yourself as a middle manager and deputy director is tough – people come to see and know you in a certain way and expect certain things – and these do not always fit with the requirements on you as an executive director.
Don’t get me wrong – I adapted, and I was good at it, and enjoyed it. The problem - I was ignoring numerous warning signs that I was careering towards a health crisis after so many years of just ‘pushing through’. The organisation had no idea – I did a great job of just carrying on regardless - so when I crashed and burned, it was a surprise to everyone.
But it shouldn’t have been.
I was in a regulatory meeting presenting how far we had come, and the regulators confirmed we had improved enough that we were ready to come out of special measures. I cried my eyes out after that meeting – over three years of incredibly hard work, and we were finally getting there.
And then I broke. It was as if being told we were coming out of special measures permitted me to take my foot off the pedal...and then when I pumped the gas again, I was running on empty. Within three weeks, I’d gone from 4 hours of sleep (a long-term warning sign) to not sleeping at all. I couldn’t stop crying – on the way to and from work, after meetings, in bed. I couldn’t remember anything unless it was written down, and I couldn’t read – I could not process the words, no matter what.
Eventually, I took two weeks off to rest and then look to come back, nice and fresh.
So very naïve of me.
That was a year ago. After much soul-searching and recovery, I decided to leave my 23-year NHS career and move on.
I have come through some of the darkest and scariest months of my life. Burnout called into question the way I have gone about just about everything in my career and how I have prioritised (or not), all the component pieces of my life, to the detriment of my own health.
I am now a new person. I consistently sleep seven hours a night. I exercise. My memory is back, I can string a sentence together. I have a life beyond work. And, thankfully, I can read again, which has made the local bookstore very happy.
A new path
My focus now is coaching and supporting other leaders to correct their balance and learn how to be effective, resilient, and able to achieve what they want whilst staying healthy. I know all too well that within leadership there is a real risk of burnout.
Check out my website which outlines the ways in which I can help you, or your company, to be stronger, healthier, more resilient leaders.
Remember, you are not alone.
My next blog will be all about the signs and symptoms of burnout – what to look out for in yourself and others – using myself as an example. Take care and speak soon.
Emma